Our publishers aren’t taking their recent defeats very well. They’ve taken away our staff donut privileges. Somehow we survived to bring you the next issue. Also, we heard rumors of the well-known Sanene Changeman being in the region, so we decided to investigate. To our surprise the trail led back to our very own building. It turns out Changeman has been working for us all along, under the name Ace Wildcard, our staff Director of Morality and Ethics.
We have several new features this month. Our first interview to appear in this paper, with the legendary Hithual hero Noffbrau. Some readers encouraged us to do Top Fives, so we bring you our own twisted version, the Top Sixes. Finally, we’re attempting to bring back a column that used to appear in the deceased Spectator and Tribune papers, Changeman’s Vault.
The Spurian Slanderer is a newspaper that seeks to inform and entertain, but with out pulling the punches. If you wish to send us news or letters to the editor or publisher, point our reporters in a story’s direction, or join our staff, then contact our Brave and Fearless Leader Melraath, or write us at SpurianSlanderer@hotmail.com
We are looking for writers, reporters, and support people. To protect our staff reporters and writers are allowed to use code names. We must know your name, but we will protect it to the death. Be sure to thank our Brave and Fearless Leader for shielding us all from sword blades at risk to him self. We pay gold for information, if it is of use to us and it passes our fact-checkers’ scrutiny. Writers are also paid, a flat rate plus bonuses.
Naked Celebrity Picture
The Gods Strike Back
Another crazy night in Spur. Last week, the various followers of gods went on quests of faith, which somehow gave strength to the gods to return to this world. For example, Taathians gave their god strength by bringing Taath corpses. The Saians had to learn about the birth of magick, seek out Guardians to get some powerful stones, and do some sort of ritual with a mage from each tower. The Odarians gathered golden implements of war, including the magickally growing codpiece of the late Odarian hero Meqetlh. After each religion succeeded, their gods appeared in the night sky, taking up the fight against the demonic green celestial bodies. The only two gods missing, Rinanni and Unknown, were returned to the sky by their followers later in the week.
Sometime during all this, the Taathians attacked both temple Odarous and temple Rinanni, supposedly on orders from a black robed archpriest. It is quite possible it was a demonic trick.
Later on in the night, a crack opened in TSC, and a storm burst out then headed south. Soon after, the people feared the sagestone holding the maw closed would falter, and tried to give of them selves to it, but it didn’t seem to work. Then Slade said:
"We must gain more time to deal with this. I would give all my Psionic ability for it."
Several tried to give energy to the sagestone, but it seemed to grow brighter and the glow surrounded the Psycians present. Apparently only their powerful minds could aid it. The Psycians Slade, Fiora, and Bethany gave their own psionic powers up to strengthen the sagestone. The ancient white pulsating sagestone flared, engulfing the surrounding Psycians in a burst of white-hot light. As it did, the darkness within the maw retreated suddenly, writhing chaotically. Then, the ancient white pulsating sagestone glowed even brighter, the light within it pulsing strongly as the light from it rose before the giant demonic maw. Within the light, a faint form took shape, and a faint whisper echoed through the square, "It will hold but a short time longer, but this will need to be enough. You must close the rift." As Spurians wondered aloud how to close the rift, the form faded from view, and one last whisper was heard, "You will find a way. Seek the answer in your hearts. Rest and gather your energies, and you will prevail."
Magick has returned to the land, along with the gods, at least for now. This may prove to be a small delay before demonic victory if the rift isn’t closed in time.
Closing of the Maw
A Setite and an Odarian working together led the successful effort to shut the Maw. Slade the Psycian of Set came up with a plan to shut the Maw, and Lucas the Human of Odarous provided a sagestone that was needed.
The group of assorted adventurers bound the sagestone inside the maw and many psions and Psycians focused their energy into the stone, at great risk of losing their psionic powers permanently. This sealed the maw inside. After that, the group went back to Spur, to the maw's other side, and the psionic types poured their remaining energy into the sagestone binding the maw on that side. This caused the Maw to collapse.
This world is forever changed now. Rifts are opening very easily in certain places, such as the demon temple in Emjedah’s mines. The very fabric of reality may be thinner now.
To celebrate the closing, the Odarians and Setites had tea and sang Rinannian hymns together.
At a Saian temple meeting right after the festival Noffbrau the Hithual and Desher the Drag-al attempted a rather unorthodox political coup. They showed off glowing dragon marks they claimed Sa had put upon them, suggesting that Sa wanted them to take the positions of Advocate of Order and Advocate of Entropy. (Later, in his interview with our Fearless Leader, Noffbrau changed his story, saying all his marks are self inflicted, but that Sa marked Desher)
People complimented them on their fine tattoos, but were not impressed. The formidable Secian squad of the temple was especially critical. It was clear no one believed them.
How was this devious plot carried out you ask? Our reporters spotted the two would be Advocates getting tattoos at the festival in Emjedah. Also, they were seen applying crushed runespheres to make the tattoos appear to glow magickally.
Meanwhile, the real plotters are racial groups in the temple. The Secians want to see a Secian Regent, perhaps Pluck. The Frontacians argue that mages can be Advocates and want to get Kreston’s sister Mavress into the Advocate of Entropy position.
Noffbrau and Desher’s next zany scheme is to drop an anvil on Pluck. The staff wishes them luck.
Interview with Noffbrau
Despite having been murdered by the drunken Hithual over past news articles, our Brave and Fearless Leader Melraath faced Noffbrau once again, this time to interview him. He is just that dedicated to bringing the goods to the reading public.
Noffbrau is a bit under four feet tall, with very long, tied back platinum white hair and a beard of the same color. His are eyes nearly as dark as a San Elf. He reeks heavily of ale. On his upper left forearm is a tattoo of a ruby-eyed golden winged dragon. On his lower left forearm is a tattoo of a majestic blue ruby sword. On his right arm is a tattoo of intricately etched blue dragon scales that cover his arm from his wrist to his shoulder. On his neck, at the back, is a scarred-over brand that reads SA.
Noffbrau: "Ahh will answer wut ahh feel lak answering."
Melraath: "Fair enough."
Melraath: "One second here..."
Melraath: "Well I had some quesitons."
Melraath: "Lost 'em, appearantly a go-blin-al took 'em."
Noffbrau: "And ahh takin notes, so ye cant twisat anything."
Melraath: "Well let's start it off properly... What are the things you work toward in Spur?"
Melraath: "You're rather well known, as a semi-powerful attendant of SA... "
Melraath: "What sort of works do you do, with that semi-power?"
Noffbrau: "Um, well..ahh protect meh congreation fer one.”
Melraath: "What sort of things would you say you protect them against?"
Noffbrau: "Anythin dat threatins dem."
Melraath: "Alright, well..."
Melraath: "Got any love interests about?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh got a female, aye."
Melraath: "A female what?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh not say her name, cause ahh dunt know if she wnats to be mentiond."
Melraath: "Rather... What guild does she belong to?"
Noffbrau: "She is saian hand."
Melraath: "Alright, well everyone knows about the wild parties that happen behind closed doors with the SAian Clergy- hell I've been to one of 'em-did you meet her there?"
Melraath: "Was it some other temple function?"
Noffbrau: "Just from aquaintences."
Noffbrau: "And wen ye see a gud lukin hith lak dat, ye just cant pass em up".
Noffbrau: "She’s a luker too."
Melraath: "I hear it's all in 'the beard and the bottom'...is this true?"
Noffbrau: "She dunt hav no beard."
Noffbrau: "Ahh lak meh wumen wit out beard."
Melraath: "Odd. Hmm. Are you sure she's Hithual? Because.. Well I'll take your word for it."
Noffbrau: "Not all female hiths ware beards, matter fact it was somthin dey used to do , most dunt anymore."
Melraath: "You're rather semi-powerful, as we've affirmed already, do you have any suggestions for rest of the semi-liter..powerful.. as to places to hunt, or favorite weapons to use, or perhaps, a good time to find one of those wild shin-digs in full swing at SA's temple."
Noffbrau: "Swamp and pixxies are gud ta hunt fer youngins. Well not so young.”
Melraath: "No, no, for the rest of the semi-literate of Spur."
*Melraath smiled to Noffbrau*
Noffbrau: "Oh. Yeah hydras and golems."
Melraath: "What's your favorite weapon to use in combat?"
Melraath: "I have to move right along, you know."
Melraath: "Show it off for me and I'll describe it to our readers as best I can."
Noffbrau: "Well ahh guess ahh lak dis one as much as da next."
*Noffbrau leaned on a two-handed Hithual forged emiel weapon that appeared to be designed to remove and throw limbs*
Melraath: "Alright. Now for the hard stuff.. Don't start sweating."
Melraath: "I heard somethin about a certain position within SA's temple that you saught... a protector ship of some sort?"
Melraath: "Care to tell Spur a bit about it?"
Noffbrau: "Dat is temple business."
Melraath: "I daresay- many are interested in this."
Noffbrau: "Well um ....ahh do not seek to be regent if dats wut yer askin.”
Melraath: "You didn't seek the position of Regent? Did Sa seek you for the position?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh tink ye are speakin of Desher."
Noffbrau: "He was marked by Sa"
Melraath: "As what?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh believe if memory serves meh corect he was just marked wit a flying dragon of sorts on his back by a beam of light why we were praying. All my markings are self inflicted. Just to show meh devotion to Sa.”
Melraath: "Now, another question for you...
Melraath: "It's a well known fact that most Hithuals distrust Magick- hence the lack of Hithual runemages- to such a degree as to avoid it daily. SA is the guardian and god of nothing more than Magick.."
Noffbrau: "Let meh guess?"
Melraath: "How do you reconsile your faith in your religion with your personal, inherent lack of trust in magick?"
Noffbrau: "Why do ahh choose to follow sa."
Melraath: "Oh, we all choose our Gods for our reasons, I'm more concerned with the daily struggle you must face..."
Noffbrau: "No struggle. Ahh suported by most."
Melraath: "How do you reconcile your personal faith in your religion with your personal, inherent distrust for magick?"
Noffbrau: "Some dunt know why, but dunt hark on it."
Melraath: "Ohhh kay..”
Noffbrau says, "Well. Ahh believe in Magick. Ahh just cant use it well. Ahh wuz raised by mages to ,had a lot to do with it. So its wut ahh grew into.”
Melraath: "That makes you different from the majority of Hithualkind - belief and trust in Magick."
Melraath: "What sort of mages were they?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh trust it in da right hands, it is a very powerful tool.”
Noffbrau: "Dey wus Mages of Sa."
Melraath: "That, of course, explains everything."
Noffbrau: "Ahh never distrusted it, just couldn never use it."
Melraath” "So, I was going to comment that the struggle between your own, inherant distrust in magick and your faith in a magickal religion must be the cause of your, pardon me, rather violent personality..."
Melraath: "But since there is no struggle between those two things, quizzically enough, what is the cause, or a cause, of your rather public violence?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh not violent. Ahh just dunt lak anybody lying about meh congreation, and ahh dunt lak thies dat steal.
Noffbrau says, "And. Ahh do have a lot of anger towards da taathians fer wut dey did to meh last regent. Not all of em.”
Melraath: "Side comment.. The writer has to protest, as after publishing an accurate account of a SAian temple meeting, he was murdered at the hands of Noffbrau..."
Melraath: "Well you claim you don't have a violent nature, but you are seen regularly in the square swinging blades about, or 'hunting' down some person or other nearly all the time. Do your words or do your actions speak truthfully?"
Noffbrau: "Ok dis wuts up. Ahh lak a gud fight here and dere aye.....”
Melraath: “We all do."
Noffbrau: "But bost meh fights start off as.... ahh get in fight with one person , den 2 er 3 others will jump in.... so den ahh seek revenge. And it seems to be a never ending circle. But as of late, ahh have calmed meh self some."
Melraath: "So, how do most of the first un-violent fights that lead to your vengence-seeking fights, which aren't, of course, violent, usually start off?"
Noffbrau: "by a thief pickin meh pocket most da time or defending youngin.
Noffbrau: "Or perhaps others who cant defend demself"
Melraath: "But you don't see yourself as a violent person?"
Noffbrau: "Or others getting ganged up on. well... ahh got a violent side, just only let it out wen needs be.”
Melraath: "Do you also have a soft side? How do you express it?"
Noffbrau: "Aye. By most of wut ahh just said."
Melraath: "Oh. Um. That's... 'soft'..”
Noffbrau: Ahh help da ones who cant help dem selfs. or others being treated unfairly. Well just to add to your ,my violent behavior. Ahh not afraid to fight , because of what others will tink. Ahh of meh.... if ahh feel its right, ahh will do it. Even wen most don’t. To put it bluntly.... ahh got da balls to do wut needs to be dun, and not just sit and watch. Weather ahh get it dun maybey another story, but atleast ahh got da balls to do try. Understand?"
Melraath” "Do you believe that sometimes though, sitting and
watching is what needs be done?"
Noffbrau: “To make thins fair, aye. but to sit there and watch nobody do nuttin ,ahh cant bare it."
Melraath: "So if no one is doing nothing, something must be done?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh lak da law, just harsh on dealing punishment. ahh have no ways of jailing folks so ,ahh try to punish dem wit da means dat ahh can. It has been brought to meh attention, but Sa is in meh heart. Ahh perhaps care more den most. To fairness.
Melraath: "And 'caring to fairness' is definately a redeeming trait, sir."
Noffbrau: "Ahh believe in if you and yer buds kill meh unfairly, prepare for revenge."
Melraath: "And your own beliefs necessitate a redeeming quality. Makes sense in some odd way."
Noffbrau: "Tanks mabey it would be different ,if ahh had da means to jail folks, but ahh dunt, so ahh do wut ahh can."
Melraath: "A recap on your vision of justice sir, through the eyes of a Saian Hithual raised by wild mages.."
Noffbrau: "Ahh not sayin ahh perfect, but ahh do wut ahh can."
Melraath: "You believe that fairness breaks down to the simple plans of action of committing unlawful murder over coins, or destroying whoever is stronger in a battle, or to assault someone for saying or believing something you don't believe in? Also that you're not a violent person, although you seek to end all encounters in violence- especially when involving a thief.”
Noffbrau: "Well trufly, ahd rather jail folk fer stealin coin, but lak ahh said dunt have da means, so ahh deal wut punishment ahh can. Ahh dunt let it go.”
Melraath: "Do you see yourself as an arbiter of justice?"
*This comment is followed by a full four minutes of dead silence, with Noffbrau simply blinking at your friendly Fearless Leader.*
Melraath: "That means someone who deals out justice."
Noffbrau: "More lak a vigolante kinda."
Melraath: "A non-violent vigilante who believes death is the ultimate punishment for any crime ranging from petty theft to being involved in combat with someone weaker than oneself?"
Noffbrau: "Give meh a way to jail folks, and ahh not attack folks fer Picpoketing."
Melraath: "Or did that, defending someone who is weak or unskilled mainly pertain to those outside of Set or Taath's temple? Don't you think that the Law should be in Odarous’ hands, though? Or do you feel, as a cleric of SA, that SA's clergy should have reign over Justice and the Law?"
Noffbrau: "Yes and no."
Melraath: "Just you?"
Noffbrau: "Ahh just want fairness"
Melraath: "Describe fairness."
Noffbrau: "Odarous is fine."
Melraath: "So that your fans, who will be reading this article, will know what you mean by 'ahh jest want fairness'?"
Noffbrau: "Dey could do it, but ahh dunt see why ahh couldnt to. Or anybody else dat is strong and willful enough to do da job."
(Brave and Fearless Editor's note: What a rewarding encounter with an imposing figure who, undoubtedly, ballads will be sung about, in future generations.)
Top Sixes by Sarsh
I am Sarsh, Guardian of the Top Six Lists. There will be no cheating, or you will dishonor your ancestors and I will claw your eyes out.
Most Publicly Affectionate Couple
Some jokers thought it would be a good idea to blacken the sterling reputation of the Pride. I am not impressed.
This is an old column formerly published in the Spectator and Tribune. There is an example below, one of the earliest of the column published. If we’re going to revive the vault, we will need your help. If we use your quote, you will receive 50 gold pieces. Send us quotes at SpurianSlanderer@hotmail.com
Welcome once again to my treasure house of quotes. Thanks to the help of a few lovely people, I have a larger selection this week and I hope you find them entertaining. Please if you hear or heard someone say something profound or amusing, send it to me at Stlkerazzi in the poor quarter. Please make sure that it is true, but out of context is just fine. I need your help to keep this column going. Many thanks and loud applause to Kaori, Reason, Leyara, and Vixen for their contributions and to anyone else that helped.
Jullwup says to Crow, "Some wacko monk once made a good attempt at dispelling some orb-magick."
Jullwup says to Crow, "Or he summoned the rutabega-god, the text is hard to translate."
Crow asks Jullwup, "The DemiGod of Fiber?"
-Jullwup the Flerian Locksmith/Cleric
-Crow the Frontacian Archmage
'Save the endangered Sweeties.'
-Sweetie the Psycian Psion/Cleric and Dark Temptress of the Spur
'My uncle dabbled a bit in de chemistries... now he got one big ol shiny dome.'
-Jinood the Hithual Fighter
'What's the matter, Tarr'khat got your tongue?'
-Leyara the Leuian Locksmith
'Now if you need healing, tell me before you reach the moaning stage.'
-India the Leuian Cleric
'Work is something done by those not creative enough to find a way around it.'
-Changeman Shadowlurk the Sanene Locksmith
'I hope you know what to do with it.'
-Aviandha the Anthian Fighter and Warrior Princess to Stanrar the Human Fighter
'I have killed more LoC followers than anyone in this room'
-Tylar the Sanene, former High Priest of Taath
'This isn't of your concern swiftfoot, run along to catch some butterflies.'
-Vilken the Sanene Fighter to Rumor the Fir elf Forester
'Why, I would never stoop so low as to steal from someone else, this is an outrage!'
-Murdach the Flerian (Alarian???) Adventurer
'Don't you understand! They do not want to be a Pride!'
'They want to be the COH of khats!'
-Barra the Khat Fighter
'Careful, you'll get stuck that way. Oh, sorry, you already did.
-Reason the High Priestess of Set to Cleric the Cleric (Name and profession)
'We have spent months trying to have the Taathians removed, we felt we finally had them to the point they were hated enough they would be thrown to the wolves.'
-Palin the Sanene Colonel of the LoC armies and later Governor of the Spur
'Ahh..well being a 4th stager..I've got scales to spare'
-Merrimax the Leuian Locksmith
'Does the phrase 'not a chance in Thumper'a's stomach' mean anything?'
-Narcisuss the Flerian Bard
'I'm a simple locksmith'
-Vixen the Sanene Locksmith
'OK do that God power channeling through your thingy.'
-Shalafi the Psycian Runemage
The other night a pirate ship attacked Spur. The pirates, reportedly led by a fat Human, set off an explosion as a distraction to steal something, then fled. During all this a female Psycian slave of the pirates escaped. She has a magicked slave collar around her neck, which some Spurians are trying to figure out how to get off.
Nobles and Assassins
Rumors of plots against Grandeur by the powerful nobles Kreston and Alya have led to Grandeur’s chief assassin Arithys being in the region, keeping an eye on things. According to Arithys, Grandeur is too powerful to be challenged. A rebellion would be crushed, then Grandeur would drop Emjedah as a holding. His only use for the city is as a source of wealth. Also, there are rumors that Kreston has hired the Ariochians to kill Arithys and Aviantaka, the head of Emjedah’s merchants.
Word is the Secian Equality has more than earned the surname Everlove. It’s said the pint-sized player woos the lady Secians of Spur like no other, but then moves on to his next conquest. Perhaps his secret is that large warhammer he drags around? He recently ditched Lebelle. His latest acquisition is the lovely Clara. They are engaged to be married, but will it last? The staff wishes the couple a long and happy marriage.
Tsc Tissy Fits
Recently Dash the Leuian attempted to murder Forge the Hithual in TSC. Forge easily destroyed the aggressive fool. Forge was heard to comment after, “Oops”, while Skuz the Go-blin-al stuck his dark, flabby bottom out of his kilt and let out a big fart in the face of Dash’s corpse. Several Odarians present sighed or shook their heads.
Forge added, "You know you can never tell if that guy is playing or not. I have one hundred percent no problem with him. But he always wants to fight me.”
Lucas exclaimed to Forge, "Sir, ya just killed him!"
Forge explained, "He attacked me for nothing. I did nothing to him at all. I even like the guy.
On another day in Spur’s TSC, Weldoian the Secian was being picked on by Lii the Taathian Human, when he riled Lii into murderous action by saying, "If ye think that ye can cause me to cower in fear like ye do with Condie, ye are mistaken. I have worse things then ye to worry about.”
Jade was heard to comment, "If Condie was trying to get you in bed, you'd cower, too. Unless you are Kraggon.” The thought of Condie and Kraggon together was enough to drive any man into madness, so Lii grabbed the sides of Weldo’s little head and twisted, snapping his neck.
Perhaps hoping the demons weakened Spur enough for him to finally defeat us, Muck the warlord attacked Spur yet again last week. His forces mainly consisted of Go-blin-al balloon jumpers, but a giant has been sighted at least twice. The damage and casualties inflicted has been minimal, as is common with Muck invasions.
Fools and Traitors
For every hero during this crisis, such as Lucas or Slade, there are those who work against the greater good, endangering us all. Tchori the Leuian psion had the odd distinction of being the only psion present at the maw closing to refuse to help by putting energy into the sagestone. Also at the maw closing, inside Taganoth it’s self, Phannah and Dhameon were too busy making out to concentrate on the matter at hand.
The Odarian Leuian Kyf has been working very hard to turn people against the Temple Alliance. Another Leuian, Mashema, has also been speaking against the Alliance. However, many suspect Mashema is possessed, as she has been having weird episodes.
The Anthian Castin was overcome with Emerald the Green-eyes’ charm. So much so that at one point he retrieved a demonic scepter that Slade dropped and brought it to Emerald.
Lastly, there is Praxus the Taathian Usil Elf. He was seen openly working with the Green-eyes, even summoning demons. It’s unknown if he was possessed or working with the fiends of his own free will.
Recently there were three conversions from temple Odarous to temple Taath: Lucke, Yinnin, and Augatil, Augatil the Leuian has also taken to attacking Odarian priests on sight, and refers to him self as Tarr’khat. Rumor has it they could no longer stand the public displays of affection by the Odarian Hithuals Haberthan and Nicki.
A Tug from the Thug
The Thugian Thurrg severely injured Alyxandar the Leuian while clumsily making grabs at his unmentionables, driving the khat from town square. Jalnus the Rinannian San followed to offer comfort. After Jalnus found the injured khat, Alyxandar was heard to say, “Talk about it?! My first born child is going to be brain dead because of what that idiot just did to my wedding tackle!” No word on if Jalnus offered to lay on hands and heal the Leuian.
All the excitement apparently drew a lot of people back to aid us in our time of need, including the notable citizens Syntrik and Guaire. Syntrik the Psycian is a Lord and merchant of this city. Guaire the Frontacian has in the past served as both a Lord and and Archmage of Spur.
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Naked Celebrity Picture
This issue….Lady Mavress!
*Here is a sketch of a statuesque Frontacian woman with a glistening oval gem, tinted a deep lavender on her forehead and smaller, glowing gems lining her pale brows. She is being upraised on a gold dragon pedestal by several Male Frontacians and wears nothing but an imperial white diamond lined insignia sash*
*The caption below the sketch reads: A new Advocate of Entropy is chosen*
Thanks for reading. If you would like to advertise with us, contact us at SpurianSlanderer@hotmail.com.
posted by Mercator, scribe of
Ace Wildcard, agent of
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